


Rain Clouds

by Ailodierap



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Middle School, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-08-27 14:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16704565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ailodierap/pseuds/Ailodierap
Summary: A story of two clouded hearts coming together // TJ and Cyrus come to terms with their feelings for each other while tackling their own personal demons, set after Season 2 but not strictly following Season 3.





	1. Rain

//TJ//

I've always loved the rain. The way it feels as it runs down my skin. The sound of the gentle pitter-patter as it crashes to the ground. The overwhelming sensation of serenity and clarity it brings like the first droplets of a warm shower on a cold winter morning. A mild chill ran through my body as I swung back and forth, the sound of the rain accompanied only by the metallic jingle of the chains clutched in my shivering hands.

The park had become something of a happy place for me. More and more often on bad days I would find myself there, letting my mind drift further and further away with every swing to and every swing fro until I could almost forget why I began swinging in the first place.

But today, I thought to myself, would not be one of those days.

I slowly turned my head left, my eyes falling upon the vacant swing beside me as it softly swayed in the wind. Even the sight of that swing made my heart pound faster. My eyes lingered; my mind raced, almost as though I could imagine him into reality and find him there, swinging by my side, with those deep brown eyes and that warm smile that always drives me crazy.

I let out a heavy sigh as my phone buzzed in my pocket, pulling me back into the real world. Almost as if I had only just noticed the chill in the air, a violent shiver ran down my spine as I pulled out my phone to read the text my mom had sent me.

Mom: TJ where are you? I thought you were studying

I pushed my tongue against my cheek as I thought about how to respond. As far as my mom was aware up until now, I was in my room studying for a math test tomorrow. And for a while, I was.

//

"It's okay, TJ, you just need to keep practicing." Cyrus had promised me. We had been studying together over video chat. Well, it was more like Cyrus was encouraging me to study as I spent what felt like hours staring blankly at a page of numbers, waiting for them to eventually make sense.

"I know." I responded glumly, slumping back into my chair. After a few seconds of uneasy silence, I shook my head, "It just doesn't feel fair."

Cyrus wore a sorrowful expression. He had opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't need to. He understood what I meant.

I leaned forward, resting my head against my hand, my face almost uncomfortably close to the glowing screen in front of me. There was so much I wanted to say to him in that moment, but it wasn't the time nor the place. I had other things on my mind, and either way a video chat on a rainy Wednesday evening probably wasn't the appropriate setting for that conversation.

I lifted my eyes to meet Cyrus'. He gave me a gentle smile in response. "You just need to give it another try." He suggested.

Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, I had decided that that wasn't what I'd wanted to hear. I let out an irritated groan and let the pen in my hand fall onto my desk. "I do keep trying!" I said, raising my voice louder than I had intended to.

A wave of regret instantly ran across Cyrus' face. "I know, I-"

"I keep trying and trying and trying and none of it makes any sense, Cyrus!" I shouted, feeling tears forming in the backs of my eyes as I pulled my face away from the laptop screen. "I mean, it's so simple, right? You can do it and Buffy can do it and so can everyone in class except for me!" I cried, my voice breaking partway through.

Cyrus looked as though he wanted to cry too. "I'm sorry, TJ, I really didn't mean it like that!" He panicked, leaning in as uncomfortably close as I had been seconds earlier, "I just- I just want to help you! I know you hate yourself because you think you can't do this, but you can, TJ! I know you can. I believe in you."

I could feel a lump forming in my throat as I desperately fought back the urge to burst into tears. "I know, and I'm so thankful for your help, but..." I trailed off, returning his gaze for a few seconds as I found my voice, "…I'm just too stupid."

Cyrus immediately shook his head in response to that. "No. No you're not. You can't beat yourself up like this, TJ! This is not your fault!"

"Yes it is." I shot back immediately, warm tears now rolling down my face. I looked down out of embarrassment, noticing how my hands were violently shaking in my lap. I let out a shaky breath, trying to compose my thoughts, "I'm sorry, Cyrus, but I'm gonna go."

Cyrus' eyes widened. "No, TJ-"

I had already slammed my laptop closed.

//

TJ: Sorry I was studying, just needed some alone time so walked to park

I texted back to my mom in response. Already knowing what her response was going to be, I jumped off my swing and began the walk home, pulling my raincoat tight around my shoulders.

Another buzz.

Mom: It's a school night come home right now! Your going to catch a cold please tell me your wearing a coat

Exactly the response I'd expected, right down to the incorrect use of 'your'.

TJ: Sorry, yes I'm wearing a coat, on way home now

I placed my phone back in my pocket and continued walking. I looked up as the rain clouds twisted and turned above me, falling darker and darker before parting in just the right way, that the white light of a lone star in the night sky shone it's way through the endless sea of gray.

Almost instantly, my phone buzzed again. Rolling my eyes, I checked the screen only to find that I had a text from Cyrus, and suddenly my heart was racing all over again.

Underdog: I hope you're okay

I kept reading it over and over. Four simple words and yet they meant so much more to me.

TJ: Idk. I'm hanging in there

I felt like an idiot as soon as I pressed 'send'. I knew that Cyrus would see through my lie immediately but as much as it hurt me to struggle the way I did earlier, it hurt me more to see Cyrus feel guilty over my struggle.

After about a minute of walking in silence, Cyrus sent me another text.

Underdog: Ok. Worried about you, please give me a call back when you're home

All I wanted was to call Cyrus and cry to him over everything I hated about myself; to hear his comforting voice and to feel his support; to feel close to him. But I couldn't risk scaring him away. I wanted him in my life more than I ever even knew I could, and if my desire to be closer to him ended up pushing him away, I'd never be able to deal with that. No, I had to be strong; had to stand on my own two feet.

TJ: I'm ok don't worry, see you tomorrow

Pocketing my phone once more, I quickened my pace. I've always loved the rain, but in that moment, I suddenly found that the only thing I wanted was to be in the dry.

The night grew darker as the clouds continued to shift, hiding away the star's light once more.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've never written for this show or this pairing before, in fact I haven't written at all in over four years, but I really wanted to give this a try. I hope you like it! Any feedback would be appreciated.
> 
> By the way, in case you notice any strange or inconsistent dialect in here, I'm a British guy trying to write how an American would write. So sorry in advance for that, if you do spot anything, please let me know!


	2. Morning's First Rays

//Cyrus//

I woke to the warm sensation of the morning's first rays of sunlight peeking out from behind the clouds, streaming through my bedroom window. Feeling groggy and disoriented, I went to pull myself out of bed and immediately felt the painful tug of my headphones being ripped out of my ears as I moved. I almost let out a chuckle when I realised what had happened.

My headphones, freshly torn from my ears, were now dangling from my right arm which the cord had somehow wrapped itself around during the night. My phone, still connected to my headphones, was hanging precariously over the side of the mattress. As I reached down to pull my phone back up onto my bed, memories of the previous night came flooding back to me.

I had been waiting for TJ to call me for what felt like hours. I would put my phone down only to check it again ten seconds later, growing more and more impatient to hear back from him. I distinctly remembered checking the time to find that it was after midnight.

I quickly realised that I must have fallen asleep like that, holding onto my phone desperately waiting for any form of contact. Untangling myself from my headphones, I clambered out of bed and stretched my arms out in front of me.

I've never been one to waste the morning away, lying around in bed. Andi seems to think of me as some kind of maniac just for not wanting to spend hours in bed in the morning like she does. But I've always preferred to spend as much of my day as possible in a productive way.

I glanced over to the wooden desk in the corner of my cramped bedroom and as my eyes fell on my bright green notebook, it occurred to me that I had never written out my journal entry for last night.

I've been keeping a daily journal for quite a while now. It had been Buffy's idea; after I came out to her, she quickly picked up on the fact that I was suppressing my feelings for the sake of my friendship with Andi. I've never been someone who's very good at speaking openly about my feelings, which is why Buffy suggested that I write my feelings down every day to 'get it off my chest', as she put it. I was sceptical at first but I quickly found that it helped more than I ever thought possible. What started as a couple of sentences after each day grew over time into multiple paragraphs per day, even entire pages on particularly bad days.

I sat in my old office chair and pulled myself up to the desk, grabbing my pen from where I had left it after last night's study session and opening up the journal. Every time I open my journal, I find myself greeted by my cringe-inducing first entry in which every other word seemed to be 'JONAH', with the paragraph surrounded by nonsensical doodles, some romantic, mostly meaningless. As badly as I want to rip the page out and throw it in the trash, I could never bring myself to just throw away such an important memory. It would feel like throwing away my old feelings; like hiding them out of sight and pretending they never existed.

So as always, I quickly flicked through the pages and pages of Jonah-related angst before finally arriving at the next blank page, and I began thinking back on what to write about from yesterday.

Now I just had to think of something other than TJ-related angst.

//

"I'm still not getting it." Buffy sighed.

"Yeah, you've lost me completely." I nodded in agreement, turning to Andi with a confused look.

Andi let out a brief chuckle. "It's really simple, guys. We wanted to just be friends, right? But neither of us wanted to break up, so we're in a relationship but just as friends! We're in a… 'frielationship'!" She smiled as though she expected us to understand.

Buffy and I seemed to share the same dumbfounded expression but chose not to push the topic any further. We were walking to school together that morning, the beaming sunlight glistening off of the rain-soaked ground from the night before, threatening to blind me whenever I looked down at it.

"So," Buffy spoke up in an attempt to break the silence, "are you guys ready for the math test today?"

Of course she'd choose that, of all things to talk about.

"You know, I actually feel really good about it." Andi grinned. "You?"

Buffy smirked. "Pffft. Please. I got this thing down." She then turned to me expectantly. "How are you feeling?"

"That's a… loaded question." I joked, trying to avoid the inevitable subject that was about to come up.

Buffy furrowed her eyebrows at me, sharing a bemused glance with Andi. "What does that mean?"

I felt my body tense up, just as it always does when I can feel an awkward conversation approaching like a speeding train.

"Uh, nothing." I laughed half-heartedly, "I'm fine, I mean that's what studying is for, right?" I joked, and the moment the word 'studying' passed my lips, my eyes widened as I realised the conversation segue I had just invited.

"Oh yeah, how did it go with TJ?" Buffy asked.

Cyrus Goodman, you idiot.

"Uh, h-… uh, he's, uh, he's fine." I eventually got out amidst my nervous stammering.

Both girls tilted their heads to one side almost in sync as they looked at me in concern. Buffy stopped dead in her tracks and grabbed onto my arm, prompting Andi and I to stop as well.

"Cyrus." Buffy said sternly. She didn't need to say another word, we all knew exactly what she meant.

I sighed helplessly, my shoulders dropping. "I don't know." I admitted quietly. Suddenly, the glistening sunlight seemed like the least of my issues as I looked down shamefully. "He kind of freaked out on me last night and left home, and I haven't heard from him since."

Andi rubbed my arm out of support. "But I thought he was doing better now? You helped him get a C before summer break."

"He was doing well, but right now he just seems so distracted." I nodded, looking forward as I slowly began walking again, the girls following suit. "He still wants me to help him, I think. But every night when I talk to him, it's more like I'm talking at him lately, you know?" I crossed my arms, purposefully avoiding eye contact with either of them.

"I mean, I'm just surprised you managed to get him a C in the first place." Buffy remarked. "Back when I was tutoring him, as soon as he found out about his, uh…" she suddenly trailed off, briefly glancing sideways at Andi, "Well, it's like he just stopped wanting to learn."

I squinted as I looked up at the bright September sky, gently shaking my head. "No, I definitely think he wants to learn, but… I don't know. He's just being really weird."

"Sounds like you're made for each other, then." Andi joked, eliciting a laugh from Buffy.

I did my best to let out a laugh to mask the involuntary wince that immediately escaped me. Instead, the weird combination of the two made my throat catch which caused me to start coughing violently. I could feel my face flush as the girls laughed even harder at my reaction to the comment.

I hate that I always do this to myself. I never seem to know when to speak, or when not to speak; I never seem to be able to act like a normal human being. My brain always find some way to make things awkward and I can never stop myself from just blurting out whatever comes to mind without thinking it through.

It feels like every day I manage to find new ways to embarrass myself in front of other people. There's nothing worse than the feeling of eyes on me; the feeling of people laughing at my expense. It makes me want to hide under my bed and never come out again.

It never used to be all that bad. Obviously I got bullied from time to time growing up, that's just the fate of any guy who doesn't want to be a hyper-masculine meathead. But back then, I was young enough to not take it seriously, and young Buffy's insistence to run over and kick any bullies in their nether-regions meant that I never had too hard of a time.

But as we got older, the words that once went completely over my head began to find their way in. I started listening; I started caring.

Girly-boy. Loser. Nerd. Weirdo.

Freak.

Pretty soon it felt like the name-calling that I used to be able to ignore, I now couldn't escape from. Even when I didn't hear it, I could still hear it in my mind. Freak. Freak. Freak. The same words constantly buzzing around my mind like an angry swarm of bees.

Nowadays, I do my best to ignore it and save it for my journal. Andi and Buffy have their own drama to deal with right now, and the last thing they need is to deal with me getting worked up and paranoid over basically nothing.

And in that moment, as I was coughing away on the sidewalk outside school, face bright-red, I could feel those eyes again. It's probably nothing, I told myself. You're being paranoid again. But as usual, I couldn't help myself. The second Andi makes a joke like that, and I instantly react by coughing my guts up? That's totally not suspicious at all. I might as well be walking around holding a huge neon sign saying 'HEY, I HAVE A BIG OLE' CRUSH ON TJ KIPPEN'. Even though it was only Andi and Buffy and I knew that they'd never seriously make fun of me or bully me, I still felt that urge to hide myself away awakening deep inside my brain.

"Are you okay, Cyrus?" Buffy laughed, patting me on the back.

I took a deep breath once the coughing fit subsided. "Yeah." I smiled.

Buffy's gaze lingered on me a second too long, and I knew all too well what that meant.

She was figuring things out.

"Hey! Jonah!" Andi called out to her not-quite-boyfriend, running over to greet him as he got off the school bus just ahead of us.

I went to follow her, but was once again held in place by Buffy. I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eyes. I already knew the question she was about to ask.

"Cyrus." She whispered gently, looking around for any eavesdroppers before continuing, "Do you-"

"Hey guys!" Jonah greeted us cheerfully, having been dragged over to us by Andi, and in that moment I could have sworn I appreciated Jonah's existence even more than I did when I used to like him.

Buffy glanced over at me, with a look on her face that read 'we're totally talking about this later'.

My reluctance to return her gaze said all it needed to.

//

Three minutes before the end of a lunch break spent desperately avoiding Buffy, and I was already stood outside my math class tapping my foot nervously. I'm pretty good at math but the idea of a test always makes me nervous.

I reached into my pocket to check my phone. Several memes had been spammed in the Good Hair Crew group chat, but still nothing from TJ. I looked back over the slew of messages I had sent him today.

Cyrus: Hey (7:56 a.m.)

Cyrus: You doing okay? (7:57 a.m.)

Cyrus: Remember you totally owe me a call from last night! (8:05 a.m.)

Cyrus: Wakey wakeyyyy (8:38 a.m.)

Cyrus: Okay I'm starting to get offended (8:56 a.m.)

Cyrus: Where are youuuuuuu (10:02 a.m.)

Cyrus: Not sure if you're even at school today, but if you wanna talk I'm saving you a seat at lunch (11:30 a.m.)

Cyrus: …so that's a 'no' on the lunch front I guess (1:50 p.m.)

There was nothing, not even a 'read' notification. So either TJ was ghosting me hard, or he had lost his phone.

I sighed sadly and put my phone back in my pocket. My foot-tapping grew more and more frantic as the bell sounded and other people started making their way to class. I looked down the hallway one final time, trying to pick out TJ's overly-gelled hair amidst the sea of students, but I couldn't spot him. I gave up and entered the classroom, taking my usual seat and immediately glancing at TJ's empty seat beside me.

Once we had chosen our seats at the start of the 7th grade, we weren't allowed to change them, so for the longest time, TJ and I were in opposite corners of the class. When our first math class rolled around this year, TJ literally shoved people out of the way to make sure he got the seat next to me so that I could help him out during class. I played it cool at the time but the thought of spending every math class next to him for an entire year almost made my heart burst out of my chest.

As more and more students that weren't TJ poured into the room, I grew more and more worried. I risked another peek at my phone, but there was still no sign of life. Buffy entered the room and immediately began glaring at me. I kept my eyes firmly on my desk as she took her seat at the desk directly behind me.

It wasn't until the tests were being placed on our desks in front of us that TJ finally ran into the classroom, looking like a mess.

"Sorry I'm late!" he apologized to Mrs. Sweetman, making his way over to his desk. He vigorously sat down in his chair and immediately turned to me. "Hey."

"Hey?" I whispered back, bewildered. "'Hey' is, like, six hours ago, now we're approaching 'what the heck happened to you?'."

TJ gave a short laugh. "I promise I'll explain later." After a short pause, he had clearly taken note of my unimpressed face. "Sorry." He whispered, his eyes falling to his own desk, his lips forming into a small frown.

Dang it.

"It's okay." I smiled back. I couldn't stay annoyed at him; it just went against every instinct in my body.

Looking down at the test in front of me, I mentally prepared myself for the questions that were likely to come up. I glanced over at TJ again, who seemed strangely calm and collected given the circumstances.

As Mrs. Sweetman began addressing the class, my attention was drawn to her, so I failed to notice Buffy's stare shifting between TJ and I, or the small, knowing smile that began to form on her face.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! So far I definitely find it easier to write TJ than Cyrus, but we'll see how that changes over time!
> 
> Next chapter will be up tomorrow, after that I'm making no promises because full-time work and stuff. Hopefully it will be within the next couple of days after Chapter 3 goes up.


	3. Fragile Little Creature

//TJ//

"So you seem unusually calm right now." Cyrus smiled as we walked out of the classroom. "How do you think it went?"

"I have no idea." I answered honestly, looking down at the ground as we weaved around students crowding the halls.

"So… about last night?" Cyrus continued cautiously, his eyes now dropping to the ground as well.

"I, uh…" I hesitated, casting my eyes across the herd of people around us. "Listen, can we talk about that later? Maybe somewhere a bit more private?"

"Oh! Umm, sure, that works. We could go to the Spoon later?" Cyrus suggested, his eyes now meeting mine.

I smiled, not knowing why I expected Cyrus to suggest anything different when that diner is practically a home away from home for him and his friends. "Yeah, that sounds good, Underdog." I nodded, giving the younger boy a brief pat on the back and then fighting the urge to let my hand just rest there as I returned his gaze.

All I wanted was to talk to Cyrus about last night right now, but I wasn't ready to just let the whole world know about my dyscalculia. Deep down, I knew that it wasn't really my fault for having it, and it wasn't anyone else's fault either. But I also knew that the moment people found out, they would start treating me differently. I knew that everyone would start treating me like some fragile little creature; they would start handling me with kiddie gloves and I wasn't ready for that kind of patronizing, needless doctoring.

I've always been told by my dad that 'if you want something from this world, son, you better be ready to work your ass off to get it'. I've always tried to live up to that and the thought of people giving me special treatment, undeserved sympathy and participation trophies for something I can't help makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I knew that eventually, I would have to come clean about what I was going through, but for now I really wanted to just feel like a normal kid for a little while longer.

The bell rang, signalling the start of the last period of the day.

"Shoot, I'm gonna be late for basketball practice. See you later, Underdog!" I said before running off down the halls. The one thing I can say I've definitely earned for myself in this world is my position as captain of the team and I wasn't about to start missing practice for anything.

//

"Okay, nice job guys!" I called out to the rest of the team, high-fiving Daniel, one of the best players in the team, as he walked by me. "Take a break." I told everyone.

As the rest of the team scattered into various little groups, I turned my attention to the girl who had been leaning against the bleacher handrails for the last five minutes.

"Wow, actual, regular breaks? You have changed." Buffy commented dryly.

"Can I help you with something?" I asked bluntly, "Or are you just here to scope out your competition?" I added in an equally dry tone, taking a seat on the bleachers next to the railing. I may have made amends with Buffy before summer break but things were still a bit tense between us after everything that went down. As much as Cyrus had been hoping for us to start being friends, I had serious doubts that it would ever happen.

"Don't flatter yourselves." Buffy smirked, eliciting a short laugh from both of us. "I just came to check up on you."

I immediately narrowed my eyes in suspicion. "'Check up on me'? Why, exactly?" I asked, shaking my head slightly as I took a drink from my water bottle.

"Well, Cyrus… he kind of told me about your study session last night." Buffy admitted in a hushed tone.

I looked away in disbelief for a moment. "He told you?" I asked, my expression hardening slightly, my body tensing up.

"Don't… get mad at him." Buffy immediately interrupted me, her tone laced with concern. "I kept bugging him to tell me, he didn't want to at first. And I do already know about your, uh…" she looked from side to side and lowered her voice to a whisper, "…issue, remember?"

I relaxed slightly. The last thing I needed right now was to start questioning my trust in Cyrus. I let out a deep sigh. "There's nothing to tell really. We were studying for hours and I was just struggling to understand anything, and I just got stressed and freaked out a little bit."

"Cyrus told me that you left home." Buffy pressed me further, to which I looked at her in confusion.

"I never told Cyrus that I left home." I responded, which was true.

"Oh." Buffy recoiled in surprise. "Well did you?"

"I mean, yeah… yeah, I went to the park to cool off but I came back home after like twenty minutes." I admitted, looking off into the corner of the gym.

Buffy wore a quizzical look as soon as I mentioned the park. After a brief pause, she shrugged. "Well I guess he just figured it out."

The brief silence that followed gave both of us time to contemplate that. I never even told Cyrus that I left home, so he must have worked that out by himself. I cast my mind back to the last text he sent me last night.

Underdog: Ok. Worried about you, please give me a call back when you're home

'When you're home'. He must have known that I went to the park. To the swings. I didn't know why I was so surprised at that but the idea that he understood me well enough to know exactly where I went warmed my heart.

After about ten seconds, I shrugged it off. "Well whatever, I guess. I studied some more after I got home and I understood it a little better that time." I told her. I couldn't deal with the potential repercussions of Buffy reading anything into it.

I knew who I was; I knew what I was. I wasn't some oblivious moron who realized he had a crush on another guy and spent forever still reassuring himself that he was straight. I understood what it meant once I worked out that my first ever crush wasn't on any of the pretty girls at school, but on the little bundle of joy that is Cyrus Goodman.

But that didn't mean I was ready to let anyone else know. I have a gay cousin, and I knew from her exactly how tough this world could be for people like us. She made the mistake of coming out early and she spent her teenage years being bullied, ostracized; being made to feel different for nothing except daring to be honest about who she was.

Just like with my dyscalculia, one day I knew that I would have to tell the people I care about and deal with the consequences, but I wasn't mentally prepared for that yet. Not even close.

"Okay, well that's good." Buffy smiled, seeming to take my words at face value. "So do you think the test went well?"

"I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know." I answered, my lips forming a thin smile. I cast my eye over to the clock on the wall. "Anyway, I've gotta practice. I'll see you around." I finished, giving Buffy a half-wave before turning and walking away to address the rest of the team.

As we began practicing again, I did my best to ignore the fact that Buffy continued staring attentively at me for the next five minutes.

//

After the final bell rang for the day, I packed up my things into my bag and headed to Cyrus' locker to find him waiting there, leaning against the wall in a way that an alien disguised as a human would think passed for 'cool'. I couldn't help but smile at his natural awkwardness. When he noticed me approaching, his eyes seemed to light up as he reaffirmed his unusual stance.

"What's up, Underdog?" I greeted him happily.

"Not much, Over… dog?" He tried to respond in a similar fashion before giving up completely.

I raised my eyebrows in amusement as Cyrus began to blush. "'Overdog'? That's the best you've got for me?" I teased as his face grew a deeper shade of red, "I think I actually prefer 'Scary Basketball Guy'."

Cyrus laughed in embarrassment, his eyes shifting to basically anywhere that wasn't me. "Well I need a better nickname for you! And it has to be 'dog' themed or they won't match." He smiled.

'They won't match'. I was trying my best not to read into that but my heart was already racing again.

"Here's a crazy idea, how about you call me… TJ?" I suggested in a fake tone of excitement, waving my hands in front of my face.

Cyrus tilted his head to one side and gave me an unamused look. "Okay, just hear me out for a second," He said excitedly as we began walking towards the exit, "How about 'Topdog'?"

"I'm already 'Topdog' around here, man." I joked.

"'Upperdog'?"

"That sounds like a disease."

"'Bigdog'?"

"That just sounds inappropriate!"

"'Hot…dog'?"

I couldn't help but notice that his voice broke slightly at the end of that one. Not knowing what came over me, I decided to push my luck as we walked out the front door of the school.

"Wow. Food-related and mildly flirty. That sounds perfect." I smirked, trying not to let on that my heart was beating at what felt like a million beats per minute.

Despite the rush of cool air that hit us as we walked outside, Cyrus' face went as red as a tomato. He sheepishly looked away as I snickered at him.

"So how was, uh…" his voice trailed off for a moment, before continuing, "How was basketball practice?"

Still feeling playful, I immediately responded "If I told you, would you understand any of it? Or should I expect you to fall asleep like you did last time you watched me play?"

Cyrus gasped sarcastically, raising a hand to his chest. "You wound me so! I'll have you know that I only slept for five minutes last time!"

"Oh, so it was that boring, huh?" I raised my eyebrows.

"No, of course not, I was definitely just falling asleep during Buffy's shots."

"That's so sweet." I responded with a deadpan look on my face.

"I try." He grinned mischievously.

I shook my head, letting out a small laugh. "Practice was fine."

Cyrus immediately started snoring loudly, which made me burst into laughter.

"Okay, that's it!" I laughed, starting to chase him down the street, which made him scream like a girl as he ran away laughing. I caught up with him quickly, wrapping my arms around him from behind and lifting him from the ground, spinning him around as we both giggled like idiots.

As I lowered Cyrus back to the ground, against my better judgement I let my arms linger around him. To my surprise, he didn't resist or try to pull away from me but instead actively leaned into me after a brief moment of hesitation. I could feel his body tense up and then almost melt into my arms. It felt like time had stopped in that moment; like there was no one else around, like nothing else mattered. The wind stopped blowing and the clouds stopped shifting. For a few fleeting seconds, it was just us in a perfect little bubble.

Reluctantly, I let go of the smaller boy and carried on walking, too nervous to examine the look on his face and too embarrassed to let him see the blush forming on my own. After a second or two, Cyrus started walking briskly to catch up with me. As we turned a corner and saw the Spoon just down the street, Cyrus began walking side-by-side with me, his arms dangling awkwardly by his sides.

I eyed Cyrus' left hand, gently swaying with each step he took, threatening to collide with my right hand as it hung down beside me. I could almost feel some kind of magnetic force, trying to pull our hands together. This seemed to happen every time we walked next to each other. It felt like it had somehow turned into a bit of a game; a competition to see who will make the first move and grab the other's hand.

I always tried to keep my thoughts rational whenever this happened in the past. I always reminded myself that Cyrus was probably not even gay, let alone interested in me. But after what just happened between us, I didn't know what to think anymore. I felt excited, confused and terrified all at the same time. Today was the first time that I really felt a spark. The smallest flicker of light, the faintest hope that maybe, just maybe this could be something.

My heart raced and my palms began to sweat as these thoughts hit me with the weight of a speeding truck. My right hand twitched slightly as the metaphorical voices in my head were screaming at me to just reach out and hold his hand. In an attempt to test the waters, I swung my right hand forward with a bit more force. It bumped against Cyrus' hand and we both jumped as though a jolt of electricity had run through us.

I let out a small gasp and clenched my fists in an attempt to get them to stop shaking. This was all just too much, too soon. I wanted this and I was starting to let myself believe that Cyrus could want it too, but my brain was still lagging behind trying to process the last thirty seconds or so. I lifted my arms and folded them across my chest as we reached the entrance to the Spoon.

"Well, we're here." I spoke up in a futile attempt to distill the electric tension that hung in the air.

Cyrus took in a deep breath. "Yeah… we are."

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter! I hope you guys had just as much fun reading it. I feel like I'm starting to get into the swing of things now!
> 
> As always, any feedback would be appreciated!
> 
> Next chapter will be up in the next couple of days.


	4. The Sound of Laughter

//Cyrus//

"Your baby taters." Amber smiled as she placed the tray of edible heaven in the middle of the table. The second that the all-too-familiar scent of the taters hit my nostrils, I felt a powerful sensation of joy rush through my body. It felt like I couldn't draw my eyes away as I stared at them, taking in the sight of their deep-fried beauty as a wide smile grew on my face.

I think I have a problem.

"Thanks." TJ responded. I looked up from the taters, the sound of his voice grabbing my attention, only to find that both he and Amber were staring at me with growing concern evident on their faces.

I let out a nervous laugh as I felt myself blush. I looked down at my hands which I had subconsciously begun fidgeting with as they sat in my lap.

Amber's eyes darted between the two of us for a brief second, before turning to TJ with a suspicious grin on her face. "It's on the house." She said, strutting away from the table.

I looked up at TJ in confusion, to which he shook his head slightly and shrugged. "I don't know what that was about." He laughed nervously, taking the first baby tater and popping it into his mouth. He sighed in delight. "Man, I can't believe I never used to come here before we met."

I let out a short laugh. "Yeah, perks of being my friend I guess." I grinned as I reached out for my first tater.

I took a moment to savor the taste as I always did when I ate my first baby tater of the day. TJ rested his head against his hand and let out a deep sigh as he watched me, a smile forming on his face. The tension between us had returned again. I knew it was there and I was sure TJ knew as well, but it felt like neither of us were ready to acknowledge it.

I couldn't stop replaying that moment in my head. Standing in the middle of the street, giggling like kids, his arms wrapped around me. For a split-second, I thought that it was some cruel prank; that some of TJ's friends were about to jump out from around the corner and laugh at me, or that someone was recording us, or that it meant anything other than what I'd hoped it meant.

But as I stood there, wrapped in TJ's warm embrace, for the first time in years, I found myself able to block the rest of the world out. For one small moment, the eyes of the strangers around me didn't matter. The thoughts of being bullied faded away. In that moment, I didn't feel embarrassed. I didn't feel awkward or scared or anxious. I felt… comfortable.

I had almost forgotten what that truly felt like.

I couldn't bring myself to resist. I didn't want to. As I leaned back into his embrace, I felt my breath escape me. The sensations threatened to overwhelm me. The firm touch of his hands against my torso. The alluring smell of his cologne. The tingle that ran down my spine as I felt his warm breath tickle the back of my neck. The pounding of my heart fighting to escape from it's cage.

I didn't know what any of it meant. I wasn't prepared for things to suddenly get so serious. I had already resigned myself to the fact that TJ was straight, and that any spark I once thought we had was but a figment of my over-active imagination. I had already begun working to move on from my feelings, just as I had done with Jonah. Suddenly, I felt like I was back at square one with TJ. Everything about whatever we had between us felt new, exciting and unknown all over again, as though someone had breathed life back into it.

As I looked across at TJ; at the distant look in his eyes, somewhere deep inside me I knew that he was still trying to process it too. I felt an overwhelming compulsion to break the silence that had fallen between us.

"So… last night?" I reminded him of the original reason why we were actually here.

TJ opened his mouth to speak, but he hesitated. Whatever it was that he had to say to me, I could tell he was having trouble saying it. I let him take a moment to gather his thoughts as I grabbed at another baby tater.

After a few more seconds of stony silence, he finally began. "I'm sorry I yelled at you last night."

I immediately shook my head. "You don't need to apologize." I frowned.

"I'm apologizing." He repeated sternly. I nodded, accepting that I needed to just let him say what he had to say. After taking in a deep breath, he continued, "We were just there studying for hours, and it felt like the numbers weren't even… numbers anymore. They just looked like scribbles on a page. I really wanted to get a good grade on that test, just to prove to myself that I can do it, you know?"

I nodded in understanding. I've known plenty of people in this world who just didn't want to work hard or be successful, and TJ Kippen was not one of them.

"But for a minute there, it just felt… hopeless. Like I was never going to do well no matter how hard I tried." A sorrowful look flickered across his face as he averted his gaze from mine, "And I guess that it just hit me all at once and I couldn't take it. I needed some fresh air, so I just went t-"

"To the park." I finished for him, smiling sadly.

TJ looked up at me attentively for a few seconds, as though he was thinking about something else entirely, before leaning back in his seat and continuing.

"Yeah." He sighed, before letting out a small laugh. "I mean, it was raining out, so I only stayed for like twenty minutes. Then I just… went back home."

I studied his face closely. I knew that he wasn't telling me everything.

"So what about you ghosting me all morning?" I asked, my tone more accusatory than I had intended.

TJ's shoulders dropped, his hands falling into his lap. "I was, ah…" He trailed off, refusing to look me in the eyes. "I was studying."

I raised my eyebrows, not sure whether or not he was being completely honest. "You were studying?" I asked, though it sounded more like a statement.

"All- all night." He stuttered, running a hand through his hair. "And morning."

A wave of emotions hit me. All at once I felt proud, sad, relieved and guilty. I took in a long, deliberate breath, trying to find the right words as TJ shifted uncomfortably in his seat, still avoiding my gaze. I wanted to yell at him for doing something so stupid and drastic but my heart felt heavy. The thought of him staying up all night working hard to overcome whatever malfunctions were wired into his brain just filled me with sadness. And knowing that he did it alone killed me inside.

"Oh, TJ… why…" I started, a lump forming in my throat, "Why didn't you tell me?" I asked softly, leaning forward.

TJ glanced at me for a brief second before looking away sheepishly. "I didn't want to hurt you." He muttered, his voice unusually low.

"'Hurt me'?" I repeated in disbelief, "You could never… I mean, you should have told me. I- I could have helped! I would have!"

"I know." TJ nodded. "Look, it… it doesn't matter anymore, okay? The test is over, I probably failed, let's just move on."

"TJ…" I whispered gently, not ready to let this go just yet.

"Please, Cyrus." TJ interrupted harshly, finally looking me in the eyes.

A part of me knew I should have just dropped the topic there, but the part of me that had grown to care for this boy just couldn't help itself.

"TJ, you're not in this alone. I can help you. I want to help you!" I pleaded.

"Cyrus…" TJ gritted his teeth, anger clearly bubbling beneath the surface.

Stop talking, Cyrus. Just stop.

"No- I just- I don't want you to beat yourself up over this!" I continued, reaching a hand across the table in a gesture of support. "I know how hard this must be for y-"

"NO you don't!" TJ suddenly yelled loudly, causing me to flinch violently and hit the back of my seat. Every pair of eyes in the diner turned towards us as I retracted my hand in fear, face burning red.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

My mouth hung open; my body shook fiercely as I struggled to find my breath. I frantically looked around at the people staring. Some were quiet as the grave, probably thinking about what an idiot I had been. Some were whispering amongst themselves, probably about how much of a wimp I was. Some were pointing and laughing, probably at how much of a freak I was.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

I turned back to TJ, whose expression of fury dissolved as quickly as it had appeared, a look of immense guilt taking it's place.

He slowly reached out a hand to comfort me. "Cyrus, I'm sorry, I'm s-" He stopped talking as I instinctively swatted his hand away, shrinking back into my seat. Any feelings of concern or trust I had felt for TJ had been painted over with a primal fear. Fear for my own safety.

He hates me. He hates me. I ruined it. He hates me forever.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

Tears now rolling down my face as I tremored in my seat, I could feel my surroundings begin to blur out. The sights; the sounds; the smells all grew faint as with every breath my chest felt heavier and heavier.

"…ink you should go." I barely heard a familiar voice above the sound of my own desperate gasps for air.

I didn't know what was happening anymore, or where I was. The only thing there was was myself and the sound of laughter, growing louder and louder within my head as I felt myself breaking out into a sweat and sobbing uncontrollably. I felt alone. Unprotected. Naked. Nothing was real in my little bubble except for the laughter, and the same word in my head, replaying over and over.

Freak. Freak. Freak.

After what felt like the longest few seconds of my life, I felt the warmth of a hand placed on my shoulder. I felt someone press a glass to my mouth which still hung open in shock. Instinctively, I tilted my head back and felt the cool sensation of fresh water trickling down my throat. I felt someone rubbing my arm comfortingly, talking to me gently.

"Breathe in, and out. In, out. In. Out." I heard her repeating, and slowly but surely my breathing began to follow the rhythm. My panicked gasps for air became long, deliberate inhales and exhales as the world slowly began to come back into focus; as the sound of laughter began to fade out into the background.

After a few minutes of concentrated breathing, I felt my senses return to me. I slowly turned my head to the right to find Amber stood beside me, holding a glass of water to my lips as she continued to rub my arm.

"You're okay, Cyrus. You're in the Spoon. It's me, Amber. You're okay." She spoke to me in a delicate tone of voice.

I'm in the Spoon. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Still struggling to find my voice, I turned back to find the seat across from me was empty.

TJ. Where is TJ? What happened?

"TJ's not here, Cyrus. You're safe. You're okay." Amber told me.

"Wh…" I started, still unsure what I was trying to say. "Why… what happened? Did… did I-"

"You had a panic attack, Cyrus." Amber nodded.

I let out a heavy sigh as the weight in my chest felt lighter and lighter. "Where's TJ?"

"I told him to leave. Drink." She commanded, pressing the glass against my mouth again. I obliged, lifting a trembling hand to grip the glass for myself as I gulped some more water down.

I began to feel a little better. I rubbed a hand across my face and found it dripping with sweat and tears.

"Thanks." I whispered.

"It's okay." She whispered back, smiling tenderly.

I cast my eyes across to the empty seat opposite me again, feeling a pang in my chest as I began to piece together exactly what had just happened.

"Where did TJ go?" I asked in concern.

Amber glared at me in disbelief. "Forget about him right now."

"But…"

"No." She immediately interrupted me. "You can't think about him right now. Just try to relax."

I didn't know what to do. All I wanted was to find TJ, to talk to TJ and to be comforted by TJ, but at the same time it occurred to me that however bad I felt about our conversation, he must have been feeling a hundred times worse.

I followed Amber's orders, letting myself lean back in my seat, taking another long drink of water. I thought about everything that was likely to happen next. Amber would have to talk to me about what the heck just happened, my parents would have to come rescue me and they would have a million questions, Andi and Buffy would have to know what happened, and TJ. I had to talk to TJ.

I shook my head in fear. There was no way any of this was going to end well. For either of us.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter for me to write. I'm fortunate enough to have never suffered a panic/anxiety attack, so I hope I managed to do it justice for anyone who does have them. If there's anything I got wrong, please do let me know.
> 
> I am also aware that a panic/anxiety attack often takes longer than just a few minutes to pass, but quite frankly I didn't want to write 4,000 words of just Amber telling Cyrus to breathe in and out (and I'm sure you don't really want to read that), so an abbreviated version will have to do for the purposes of keeping the story moving.
> 
> New chapter in the next couple of days!


	5. The Real TJ Kippen

//TJ//

Friday mornings have always been my favorite part of the week. Whatever anyone happens to be going through at any given moment, everyone and everything just seems to be more… relaxed on a Friday. Everyone just seems less on edge, with the promise of the weekend glistening on the horizon.

And yet as I walked to school that Friday morning, an uneasy feeling had settled in my stomach. Tears lingered in the backs of my eyes, as they had done all night and morning. I kept replaying yesterday's conversation with Cyrus over and over in my head until I almost felt like I could recite it word-for-word. But beyond whatever I had said or Cyrus had said, or anything we had done that day, the one striking image that I couldn't get out of my head, that I saw burned into my vision whenever I closed my eyes, was of Cyrus; the cute, innocent, loving smile usually fixed on his face morphed into a look of sheer terror, pointed directly at me.

I wasn't even sure how it had happened. I hadn't even realized that I had snapped at him until after it was over. I just remembered him pushing and pushing, trying to get in under my tough exterior. But with every push, I only felt the frustration building up and up inside me, until Cyrus pushed in just the right way and, like a balloon, I just burst.

All I wanted was to let Cyrus in. To allow him to be there for me, the same way I wanted to be there for him. No thought warmed my heart more than the thought of me actually letting Cyrus see the side of myself that I fought to keep concealed from the rest of the world. The real TJ Kippen.

But no matter how much I wanted to let Cyrus in in that moment, I couldn't do it. I wasn't brave enough; I chickened out. And in doing so, I might have permanently pushed away the only boy that I've ever actually felt I could confide in. The only boy who never once judged me; never once wanted me to be anyone other than myself. The only boy who ever managed to make my heart race just with a smile.

The only boy I ever felt had a chance with.

I wasn't one for cursing, but…

"Shit…" I murmured to myself, closing my eyes in a desperate effort to hold the tears back.

//

As I'd expected, I saw very little of Cyrus all day. I shared several classes with him, but the only class where I sat next to him was math, and we didn't have math class today. I saw him in some of my other classes today, namely chemistry and history, but we were sat far enough apart that communicating was impossible.

The only time he had even acknowledged me was one brief look during history class. I had been glancing at him every few seconds, desperately praying for him to turn in my direction, and in the short few seconds that my eyes met his, I found myself filled with sadness all over again. He looked… lost. I'd never seen him look so hopeless and knowing that I caused him to feel that way made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Between classes, it wasn't much better. Andi and Buffy, clearly in the loop about the Spoon incident, had appointed themselves as Cyrus' official bodyguards for the day. Anytime they saw me approach throughout the day, they immediately ushered Cyrus in the opposite direction without a second's thought. I couldn't blame them for wanting to protect their best friend from the guy who made him feel so much pain. But at the same time, I wished they could have just given me a chance to apologize. I'd never spoken much to Andi, but Buffy must have had some inkling of just how much Cyrus meant to me. She must have known that I would never deliberately try to upset him.

I had to speak to them. And just before the last class of the day, I saw my window of opportunity open. Cyrus had gone to the bathroom, and the girls were stood outside the boy's room like royal guards. Armed with my weird knowledge that Cyrus takes, like, three or four times longer to pee than any other guy on the planet, I quickly walked over to where the girls were stationed. They had seen me coming a mile away, and greeted me with angry scowls.

"Oh no. No way." Buffy immediately shook her head, taking a warning step towards me.

"Buffy, I j-" I tried to explain myself.

"No, TJ." Buffy repeated herself firmly. "You hurt him yesterday. More than you know."

My eyes fell to the floor as I suddenly felt like the tiniest person in the school. "I do know." I muttered quietly, rubbing the back of my neck in shame.

"You know," Andi spoke up, drawing both mine and Buffy's attention, "Apart from us and Jonah, you were the only other person that he really thought he could confide in. He trusted you." I looked down again, trying my hardest to resist the small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "But after what you did yesterday, you'd be the luckiest person in the world if he ever forgave you for what you put him through."

Buffy nodded in agreement, turning back to me. My heart felt heavy, like it was weighing me down. I knew I had to say something and my time was running out.

"You're right." I began, to which Buffy immediately furrowed her eyebrows.

"Don't you even think of starting that whole 'you're right' schtick with me again." She growled, her extended finger pointed at me accusingly.

I visibly gulped. Bad start, TJ. Bad start. "No, I- I really mean it. I was wrong to yell at Cyrus the way I did. I was way wrong." Their faces softened, so I continued. "I don't know what came over me, really I don't. He was trying to help me with this whole math thing, and I've just been so stressed over that and a bunch of other stuff and I just… lost myself for a second. I knew right away that I had messed up."

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "What other stuff?"

"I-" My eyes widened. I was definitely not ready to get into my other 'stuff' right now. "Just… personal stuff." I waved it off, trying my best to remain casual about it. "But look, I really do care about Cyrus, okay? You absolutely have the right to not believe me but I just need you to know that it hurts me to see him this way as much as it hurts you two." I stammered, struggling to get my words out towards the end.

The three of us stood in an awkward silence for a few seconds. Buffy's face had softened considerably but Andi's was harder to read. As she opened her mouth to speak, the bathroom door opened and Cyrus strolled out before instantly stopping in his tracks at the sight of me, his eyes widening like a deer in the headlights. I visibly flinched at his reaction just to my presence.

After a few more seconds of stunned silence, Cyrus swallowed and spoke up. "TJ." He greeted me with an awkward nod.

I let out a sad sigh and looked down at the ground again, hoping my body language would convey to Cyrus whatever I didn't have the guts to say in words.

It didn't. "What do you want?" He asked, sounding surprisingly more upbeat than I would have ever expected. Perhaps all hope wasn't lost, after all.

"I want t-" My throat caught mid-sentence. Feeling my cheeks flush, I took a breath and continued. "I want to apologize. And to talk to you."

I almost could have sworn I saw Cyrus flash a brief, small smile, but it was quickly replaced with a look of uncertainty as he darted his eyes between Andi and Buffy. Buffy, surprisingly, didn't respond, but Andi subtly shook her head when Cyrus turned to her. Upon seeing Andi's reaction, Cyrus' shoulders dropped and he let out an almost-disappointed sigh.

"TJ, I… I want to talk to you. But... I just think I need a little space." He said, glancing to the girls at his sides and receiving nods of approval from both of them, this time. "At least for the weekend. Just to clear my head, you know?" He cracked a smile, prompting me to do the same.

"Okay." I nodded forlornly, my smile disappearing as fast as it had come. "I guess I'll see you guys Monday then?" I shrugged, my gaze not shifting from Cyrus.

"Monday." Cyrus nodded calmly, meeting my eyes.

After a few lingering seconds of prolonged eye contact, the final bell of the day rang, and so I finally turned around and made my way to class, my heart growing heavier with every step.

//

"You really don't deserve that boy." Amber commented, shaking her head.

I nodded sadly in agreement. "I know."

"You know he has every right to never talk to you again." She continued, a stern expression on her face.

I let out a frustrated sigh, running a hand through my barely-gelled hair. "I know." I repeated, looking down to my feet as they tapped frantically on the sidewalk, "I'm lucky."

Amber nodded, breaking eye contact to look straight ahead. "You are." She agreed bluntly, letting the silence that followed say the rest.

We were sat on a nearby bench outside the Spoon. Not knowing where else to turn after school ended, I had texted Amber in a rather pathetic, desperate manner to talk to me during her break from work.

"Look, TJ," Amber turned to me. I looked up, avoiding her gaze. "I've known you for as long as I can remember. And growing up, you were always a miserable jerk." We both let out a short laugh at that. I didn't even open my mouth to protest, knowing she was right. I finally tilted my head to meet her eyes once again, as she took a breath and continued, "But I can't remember the last time I've seen you look as happy as you were when you two walked through that door yesterday. Before you screwed it all up, I mean." She smirked.

I couldn't help but smile, memories of Cyrus wrapped in my arms briefly flashing through my mind for the first time since yesterday. Embarrassed, I rubbed my face over with one hand as I felt my cheeks flush. "God, am I really that obvious?"

"I… already had my suspicions." Amber admitted, smiling back at me. I wasn't entirely surprised. Amber's family had been our neighbors for most of my life. Despite the one-year age gap, my parents and her parents regularly arranged playdates for us as we were growing up. Although we used to fight and bicker like all little kids do, over time she became something of a protective big sister to me.

When I started elementary school, I really struggled to make friends. I was the kid who was always left out. The kid always sat in the corner of the room not talking to anyone unless I had to. I remembered spending days looking at the groups of kids forming their first real friendships and wishing I could be like them, but for the longest time I never found the confidence to go over and talk to them.

It would be no exaggeration to say that Amber gave me that confidence, in a way. She never cared what anyone thought of her. If she wanted something from someone, she would always stomp straight over to them and say whatever she had to say to get it. Looking back, even I can now tell that what she actually taught me wasn't how to be confident, but rather she taught me how to push and bully people until they gave me what I wanted.

When her dad lost his job last year, Amber's family struggled along as long as they could, but they were eventually left with no choice but to move house. Our neighborhood had never been the priciest in Shadyside, but when Amber's dad started making the big bucks, rather than buying a better house, they decided to renovate. They expanded and expanded and expanded that little house until it was by far the biggest and fanciest in the neighborhood. It stood out amongst the rest like a shining beacon - or like a sore thumb, depending on your perspective.

But after all that expansion, when push came to shove their family just couldn't afford to maintain it. And so as Amber and her parents moved to the other side of town, I lost my closest friend and mentor, of sorts. We still saw each other a lot, given Amber's job at the Spoon and her parents' friendship with my own, and she still had my back, but we went to different schools now and life had just… moved on, for the both of us.

In a way, though, that added distance between us made it much easier for me to bite the bullet and come out to her. If she had disapproved, then we went to different schools and lived on opposite sides of town anyway, so it wouldn't have really mattered to me anyway.

But she did approve, to my relief. And although we never discussed it much, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders after I told her. It was comforting to know that I always had her as a safety net, no matter how bad things got.

As Cyrus and I grew closer and closer and I started spending more time with him and his friends at the Spoon, I couldn't help but notice her occasionally glancing over at the two of us, wearing that knowing smirk that I've grown so accustomed to.

So as Amber and I sat there on that cold, wooden bench, shivering in the cold, September air, it came as no surprise to me that she already had an inkling of my feelings.

"How long have you known?" I asked curiously, too embarrassed to look over at her.

"A few months. I mean, you guys spent so much time here during summer break. Like, a ridiculous amount of time. I think half of our income that summer came from you and Cyrus' friends." The older girl joked.

I let out a chuckle. "Spying on us, were you?"

"Eh," She shrugged, "I prefer to call it 'observing'."

"TJ? Amber?" A familiar voice interjected just as I opened my mouth to respond. I closed my eyes and winced at the awkwardness of the situation I had suddenly found myself in.

Slowly, Amber and I turned our heads to the left to see Buffy and Walker walking up to us, with Andi and, of course, Cyrus in tow. Cyrus pushed his way to the front of the group and immediately locked eyes with me.

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "Well that was a quick weekend."

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay with this chapter. A family member passed away rather unexpectedly a few days ago. We were never the closest, but luckily for me, it's the first time I've ever lost a (human) family member that I can actually remember. So the last few days have been kind of crazy, and I've only just returned to this.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter! I thought long and hard about how I wanted TJ and Amber's friendship to come cross. I didn't want to go with the classic siblings theory but I love the idea of them having a close, unspoken friendship, so I hope that what I've come up with is a nice, interesting middle ground.
> 
> New chapter in... a few days probably as I have plans tomorrow (for once).


	6. Let It Go

//Cyrus//

An awkward tension hung in the air, not one of us wanting to be the person to break the silence. My eyes locked on TJ as he shifted uncomfortably on the wooden bench, refusing to meet my gaze. I turned my attention to Amber, sat next to him in her waitress outfit, who shot me an apologetic look.

"So… are we gonna go in?" Walker asked, obviously very confused about the whole situation playing out in front of him. I fought the urge to roll my eyes as everyone suddenly sprung back into life.

"Yeah, let's go." Buffy said nervously as she grabbed Walker's hand to pull him towards the entrance, prompting Andi to head over to the door as well.

TJ slowly rose to his feet, his eyes glued to the ground. "I'm just… gonna go…"

"No!" I yelled without even thinking. Everyone turned their heads to me in surprise. "I- I mean… no, just…" I stammered, before letting out a heavy sigh and giving Andi an apologetic glance, to which she simply shook her head with a concerned frown. I turned to TJ again. "Just stay here, please. I need to talk to you."

TJ furrowed his eyebrows. "What about you 'needing time to think'? What happened to Monday?" He asked with a slight shake of his head.

"I know what I said, but I… I'm not gonna stop mulling over it all weekend and I'm not going to be able to focus on anything and I just wanted to speak to you now but I thought I needed time to think and…"

"Okay okay okay." TJ interrupted me with a brief flash of a smile. "I'll talk to you."

Andi grabbed my arm. "Cyrus." She whispered, reminding me of our previous conversation about TJ.

I gave her a reassuring nod. Any doubts I'd had over my readiness to discuss things with TJ disappeared the moment I saw him again. I had almost convinced myself that Andi was right, that I needed time away from TJ to clear my head, but the truth is I couldn't help but be drawn to him whenever he was around.

Andi gave me a thin smile before turning around and heading inside the Spoon. I knew that she was only worried because she cared about me, but at the same time she didn't know TJ the way I did. I knew that he would never hurt me intentionally.

Amber let out an awkward cough before getting up from the bench. "Well… I'm not getting caught in the middle of…" She gestured between the two of us, "Whatever this is." She smiled, giving me a brief 'good luck' pat on the shoulder as she passed me to go back inside.

With the slam of the door closing, instantly silence fell over us again. Slowly, I walked over to the bench and took a seat next to TJ, letting out an involuntary shiver as the breeze picked up.

"Are you cold?" TJ asked, turning to me. "We can go inside if you want?"

"No." I shook my head, giving him a small smile. "I'm fine."

TJ nodded, turning away from me. Then, after taking in a deep, steadying breath, he turned back to me. "I'm sorry about yesterday."

I immediately sighed. "You don't need to keep apologizing."

"No, I do." TJ shot back assuredly. "I shouldn't have snapped like that. You were only trying to help me and I…" He trailed off, trying to find the words to express what he was thinking. "I'm just not used to having people care about me so much."

My heart started to feel heavier in my chest. Was I really that important to him?

"TJ, you're my friend. That's what friends are for!" I pointed out, suppressing the aching feeling in my chest from referring to him as just a 'friend'.

TJ turned away again, a frown fixed on his face. I almost could spot the faintest hint of disappointment as I studied his expression, waiting for him to carry on. After a prolonged silence, he broke into a small laugh. "I had all this stuff I wanted to say to you."

I gave him a small nod. "Yeah?"

He leaned back against the bench with a sigh. "It's weird, it's like… I feel like I can just relax around you and not have to worry about all my 'stuff', you know?"

I felt my face threatening to break into a cheesy grin at the comment. "I feel the same. About you, I mean." I nodded, feeling my cheeks warming up.

TJ turned to me with that sweet, warm smile that he only ever seemed to reserve for me, and I found myself beaming back at him involuntarily as my heart pounded away in my chest. It was as we sat there, smiling at each other, reveling in the comfort of each other's company, that I realized what I wanted.

I cleared my throat, before airing my thoughts. "I feel like my friends expect this to be some huge drama between us, but… I mean, maybe it doesn't have to be?" I shrugged.

TJ stared at me in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's like… look at Andi and Buffy, with this whole Walker thing. It feels like every day there's some new twist or development between them and this tension is just dragging on and on. I'm sick of it, and so is Jonah. I know that those two still want to be best friends so it's annoying that they can't just let it all go and be best friends." I explained. TJ nodded slowly, so I continued with a half-smile in his direction. "I know you didn't mean to yell at me yesterday, or the night before. I know how much you've already done for me and you've already proven how much you care about me."

Then it was TJ's turn to blush, as he looked down at the ground trying to conceal his grin. "It's nothing, Underdog." He shrugged modestly.

"No, it's everything." I smiled. "And I care about you, and I don't like seeing you hurting like this. We don't need to let ourselves get hung up over stupid stuff like that. So I guess what I'm saying is… let's just let it go. You know, 'the past is in the past' or whatever."

TJ chuckled, giving me a playful nudge. "Yeah, whatever you say, Elsa."

I laughed back. "That is not going to be my new nickname, don't even think about it."

"Too late now, Elsa." He smirked mischievously.

"Okay, I'm this close to taking back everything I just said." I snorted, gesturing with my thumb and forefinger.

TJ nodded. "Point taken, Underdog." I smiled at the familiar nickname. After a calming moment of silence, TJ spoke up again. "So you're really okay with it all? Everything I said?"

"Yes." I answered, and I really meant it. "I want us to get back to what we were before that happened yesterday." I said, trying to subtly hint what I really wanted while not being brave enough to be anything more than intentionally vague about it.

"And what were we exactly?"

I felt my heart drop into my stomach as I fought the urge to lurch forward in my seat. I hadn't expected him to be so forward about it.

"Uh…" I hesitated, desperately trying to build up the courage to admit what I was feeling. TJ's face dropped slightly. He opened his mouth to say something when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. With a frustrated sigh, he pulled it out of his pocket to read the message.

"Shoot… my mom needs me back home." He frowned, standing up from the bench. "Talk later?" He offered, extending a hand to me.

I clasped his hand in mine, allowing him to pull me to my feet. My hand lingered in his, our faces now only inches apart as I felt myself getting lost in his deep, green eyes. TJ exhaled shakily, my face tingling from the gentle caress of his warm breath. I caught his eyes darting to my lips and my heart nearly leaped out of my chest.

TJ's phone vibrated again, causing him to pull away, much to my disappointment. "I really need to go now. I'll see you later." He smiled, giving me a half-wave before turning around and briskly walking away from me.

I stood frozen in that spot for a few seconds, my mind struggling to process what had just happened. TJ held my hand. He looked at my lips. I definitely did not imagine that. I noticed that my hands were sweating and shivering at the same time as I regained feeling in my legs, forcing myself to turn away and enter the Spoon.

As soon as I entered the diner, I felt the eyes on me again. I turned my head left to find Andi, Buffy and Walker all staring at me from their table as though I had grown a second head. I looked straight ahead to find Amber behind the counter with a look of concern on her face. I cast my eyes across the rest of the tables and, even though nobody else seemed to be looking at me, I couldn't fight the overwhelming sense that they were all whispering about me, mocking me, or that they had been spying on my conversation with TJ.

I felt my face burn red as I slowly walked over to my friends' booth, taking a seat next to Andi, opposite Walker. They all frowned at me as Andi placed a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" She asked gently.

"Yeah." I nodded. "We're all good."

Andi blinked twice in disbelief. "You're good? What do you mean you're good?"

"We're friends again!" I smiled, stealing a baby tater from Andi's basket. I sensed that the baby tater wasn't the reason Andi shook her head at me in disapproval.

"So did TJ apologize?" Buffy asked, eyebrows furrowed.

"Yes, numerous times. I just decided that it wasn't worth the melodrama!" I clarified, my body finally starting to relax as I leaned back into my seat.

"Not worth it? He made y-" Andi almost launched into a rant, before she caught herself, casting a glance over at Walker's confused expression. Walker seemed to understand the reason for her hesitation, as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"I… assume this is about something you don't want me to hear?" He smiled, shifting his eyes from Andi to me.

"I-it's fine." I shrugged it off, trying to appear nonchalant. An awkward silence fell over our table, as Andi and Buffy exchanged a worried glance.

Walker studied my expression for a moment, before sighing calmly. "Look, it's clear that you've got some stuff that you want to talk to the girls about. I'm gonna take off and let you get it off your chest." He said, grabbing his bag and standing up from his seat.

"No, you don't have to do that." I assured him, but he simply shook his head.

"Cyrus, it's fine, I get it. You need to talk to your friends right now; I'm not going to stand in the way of that." Walker smiled, before turning to Buffy with an apologetic expression. "I'm sorry, Buffy, I'll see you tomorrow."

Walker leaned down and Buffy half-stood from her seat to meet him halfway for a hug, to which Andi visibly tensed, her hand gripping tighter onto my shoulder.

After the two separated from their hug which had lingered ever-so-slightly, Buffy smiled warmly. "Thank you for being so cool about this."

Walker nodded and, with a wave goodbye, walked out of the Spoon. I turned to Buffy, who was staring almost longingly at the door. I recognized her stare because it was the same stare I had reserved just for TJ.

"He's a good guy." I said with a small laugh. Andi's grip on my shoulder remained firm.

"He is." Buffy agreed, before finally turning back to us with a deep sigh. "Okay, so you and TJ are all good now?"

Andi immediately interjected, removing her hand from my shoulder. "No, they're not 'all good'." She said before turning to me. "What did you mean that it 'wasn't worth it'?"

"I meant that I knew he was sorry and I knew he didn't mean to hurt me and there's already enough drama going on right now and I just wanted us to go back to how we were!" I rambled.

Andi lowered her voice to a whisper. "But he made you have a panic attack. That's serious, Cyrus!"

"I know it is. But the truth is, I don't want to fight with him. I like being around him and I think he likes being around me, and fighting would just make both of us sad. I know that he'd never intentionally hurt me!"

"Cyrus." Andi tilted her head towards me. "I think it's great that you try to see the best in everyone. But don't you think that maybe you're putting just a little too much trust in TJ? I mean, this is the same guy that was awful to Buffy for months before summer break!"

"I think Cyrus is right." Buffy spoke up, staring at Andi. Andi and I turned our heads to her in surprise. Never in a million years would I have expected Buffy to defend TJ, but here we were. "TJ was… a total jerk to me before, but he's changing. He helped me with my try-outs and you saw how he spent summer break helping Cyrus tick stuff off his list!"

"I never thought you'd take his side." Andi commented dryly. Apparently she was just as shocked as I was.

"I never thought I would either." Buffy shrugged, before turning to me as I reached my hand into Andi's basket of taters again. "But honestly… you bring out the best in him, Cyrus." She smiled. I beamed at her, my heart warm in my chest. Buffy took a sip from her milkshake before opening her mouth to speak again. "So how long have you liked him?"

My eyes widened at the bluntness of the question. I immediately began choking on the second baby tater I had stolen from Andi. Buffy smirked at me as Andi thumped me on the back, causing me to cough up the guilty tater. My cheeks began to burn red again.

"Gross…" Andi grimaced.

"Cyrus. It's obvious that you have a crush on him!" Buffy pointed out as I grabbed a napkin to clean up the mess.

"Why do you think that?" I asked as casually as I could manage after my near death-by-tater.

"The way you smile at him? How you always stand so close to him? The way you never stop talking about him, or wanting to hang out with him, or bursting into life whenever he's around?" Buffy listed, as I looked away bashfully.

I knew that now was my moment to admit my feelings, and I knew that Andi and Buffy would support me, but I was scared all the same. I had already personally come to terms with my feelings, but admitting it out loud to someone else would be making it real. Suddenly, TJ wouldn't be 'Cyrus' friend' to them, he would become 'Cyrus' crush'. I knew that that acknowledgement would add a new layer of pressure on top of whatever our strange 'friends-but-almost-more-than-friends' relationship was.

But as I looked across at Buffy's knowing smirk, it was beyond clear to me that my telling her would be nothing more than a formality. She had already figured it out, so I decided to just bite the bullet rather than delay the inevitable.

"Okay!" I interrupted, holding up my hands in surrender. "I guess I kind of, sort of, maybe have a crush on him…" I mumbled, looking down at my hands as they rested lifelessly on the table.

Buffy beamed at me, grabbing my hands. "That's great Cyrus!"

I smiled back at her, before turning to Andi in uncertainty. "Do you… approve, Andi?" I asked, genuinely concerned that she would be upset.

After a tense moment of deliberation, Andi relaxed in her seat and smiled at me. "I still don't fully trust him, but… if he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you." She nodded. I let out a sigh of relief that I didn't know I had been holding in, leaning over to pull her into a tight hug. Buffy then leaned across the table with a small chuckle and hugged us both.

For one brief moment, all the drama and the tension between us had drained away. For one brief moment, we were just the Good Hair Crew again. I smiled wider than I even knew I could, savoring the moment while it lasted as I hugged my two best friends in the world tighter.

We were so wrapped up in the moment that none of us had noticed Amber cleaning the table directly behind us, smiling knowingly to herself.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the extended delay for this chapter, truthfully I went through writer's block trying to decide how I wanted Cyrus and TJ's conversation to go, however I ultimately decided that, for the story I want to tell, this result was the best to go with.
> 
> I have a slightly clearer idea of where the story is going from here, so hopefully future chapters will be a bit more frequent than one per week.


	7. A Whole New Magnitude

//TJ//

TheSlayer has invited you to join a group chat.

I stared at the notification glowing on my laptop screen for what felt like hours, unsure what Buffy could possibly have to say to me. Cyrus may have forgiven me last week, but I couldn’t imagine that Andi and Buffy were fully ready to do the same yet. Things had always been tense between me and Buffy even at the best of times, and Andi made it pretty obvious that she didn’t trust me on multiple occasions.

Hesitantly, I accepted the invitation and found myself dropped into the chat mid-conversation.

MackShack: That way it would be 6 of us

Teejinator: Hi guys..?

MackShack: So not awkward

Underdog: Hi TJ!!!!!!!

I immediately smiled at the fact that Cyrus had made his own username ‘Underdog’. The fact that he had been thinking of me when he decided that filled my heart with joy.

DociousMagocious: Ye but

DociousMagocious: Oh hi TJ

BrodskyPaints: Hi TJ

DociousMagocious: U make it sound like a triple date or something haha

Teejinator: Hi underdog lol

TheSlayer: TJ what even is that username

MackShack: It wasn’t awkward like that

MackShack: Now it is

Teejinator: U really wanna compare cliche usernames, ‘TheSlayer’??

MackShack: Jonah why would u even mention that??

BrodskyPaints: It’s ok guys it doesn’t have to be awkward

Underdog: TJ we’re planning to all go to the carnival today do you want to come with us?? :) it’ll be fun and riding the spinner is on my list remember

I snorted to myself at the thought of Cyrus actually riding the Spinner. He had said repeatedly throughout summer break that when the carnival came back in town, he wanted to give it a try, but I genuinely had expected him to conveniently ‘forget’ about it when the time came.

The carnival came through Shadyside once every year for a few days, and although it had plenty of fun rides, games and stalls, the Spinner was by far the highlight. The ride consisted of a bunch of two-seater chairs which were lifted into up the air, then spun and tilted around at high speed for a couple of minutes. It wasn’t super scary as far as carnival rides go, but for Cyrus it was basically a nightmare. I couldn’t help but find myself to be impressed that he even considered riding it this year, especially considering how Andi and Buffy tried to convince him to ride it for the past four years in a row and he always vehemently refused.

TheSlayer: At least my username is relevant

TheSlayer: Considering how many times I SLAYED U at 1v1 over summer

DociousMagocious: It doesn’t have to be a date thing you just made it sound like it was for a second

BrodskyPaints: Cyrus you really wanna ride the spinner??

MackShack: wAIT WAIT WAIT

TheSlayer: Cyrus I thought you were kidding about the spinner

MackShack: Wait cyrus you actually want to ride the spinner???

Teejinator: Sounds fun, what time were you planning??

DociousMagocious: As long as u don’t puke in another shoe cy-guy ;)

Underdog: WELL THANKS FOR THE VOTE OF CONFIDENCE GUYS

Underdog: jONAH

BrodskyPaints: Wait who what

BrodskyPaints: You puked in a shoe??

Underdog: We all agreed that particular humiliation would never be spoken of again!!

TheSlayer: Sorry cyrus but your track record kind of speaks for itself haha

Teejinator: Do I want to ask about the shoe thing??

DociousMagocious: Oh I forgot

DociousMagocious: Sorry cy-guy >_<

MackShack: No you absolutely do not it’s gross

TheSlayer: I’ll tell you later TJ

Underdog: NO

TheSlayer: lol

BrodskyPaints: Btw tj we were thinking of meeting there at 11

DociousMagocious: TJ we’re meeting at about 11

DociousMagocious: Oh

BrodskyPaints: Snap haha

TheSlayer: You guys are so in sync lol

Teejinator: Thanks guys sounds great

TheSlayer: Now kiss

BrodskyPaints: Kek

MackShack: Lol I ship it

Underdog: Jkghfgjkljgdfsdf the plot twist literally no one asked for

Teejinator: Lol when’s the wedding

Teejinator: Also KEK

DociousMagocious: Lol

TheSlayer: Didn’t you hear them? it’s at 11 :P

DociousMagocious: Gtg need to shower

MackShack: Mayb walker could give u a hand haha

Underdog: Ah

TheSlayer: Oh

BrodskyPaints: .

MackShack: Hmm ok that was a bit much

Teejinator: This is why I don’t group chat with you people

TheSlayer: Rude

Underdog: :’( :’( :’(

BrodskyPaints: This group chat changes you

MackShack: You seem to have a knack for hurting cyrus’s feelings tj

Teejinator: Lol not you underdog

As soon as I hit ‘send’ on my previous message, I glanced up at Andi’s message and immediately felt a pang of guilt in my chest. I let out a frustrated sigh in response, her remark having confirmed my suspicions that Cyrus’ friends hadn’t forgiven me yet.

MackShack: SORRY

TheSlayer: Andi

TheSlayer: Time and place

Underdog: Andi I was kidding!! TJ don’t worry I wasn’t actually upset I’m fine

BrodskyPaints: Oh boy

Underdog: Sorry TJ if I worried you

Teejinator: Wow

MackShack: Sorry sorry sorry

MackShack: I don’t even know why I sent that!!! Sorry

Teejinator: I forgive you

Teejinator: Underdog

Underdog: Andi you don’t need to defend me so much

TheSlayer: Ouch tj

Underdog: TJ’s secretly just a big softie

MackShack: Sorry cyrus force of habit

TheSlayer: Oh really cyrus?? do tell

MackShack: TJ I’m really sorry I am trying my best to forgive you I swear

Teejinator: Dw about it Andi

I bit down on my tongue, a mix of anger, disappointment and regret swirling around my mind.

Underdog: Buffy PM me

Teejinator: Also underdog why must you come for me so

Teejinator: NO

TheSlayer: Also walker is like dead

Teejinator: Ok I’m out

MackShack: Jonah’s probs serenading him right now lol

Teejinator: See u at 11 if I haven’t found friends who aren’t SNAKES by then

Underdog: Ssssss

With a chuckle, I closed my laptop, cheeks burning red. I put a hand up to my face, dreading to think what dark secrets Cyrus could be spilling to Buffy right now. I smiled in embarrassment as I looked over at the metallic silver clock hanging from my bedroom wall. It was 9:30, so I had plenty of time to get ready.

As I had breakfast, showered and got dressed throughout the morning, I felt a bubble of excitement growing within me. I knew that the idea of this being a ‘triple date’ was immediately shot down in flames by Andi, but in the back of my mind I couldn’t shake the feeling that that’s exactly what it was. Buffy and Walker were dating, Andi and Jonah were... something, and Cyrus and I seemed to be growing closer with every passing day.

I still had a niggling worry in my brain that I was making up all of the ‘signs’ that I was picking up from Cyrus, and that he was actually straight all along and just overly friendly, but that worry shrunk with every second we spent together. Instinctively, I cast my mind back to that moment on the way to the Spoon; my arms wrapped around Cyrus, his weight pressing against my own, the sound of our calm yet heavy breathing in tune with one another…

I couldn’t have just been making this all up, could I?

//

The time on my phone read ’10:57’ as I casually strolled over to Andi, Cyrus and Jonah who stood talking outside the entrance to the carnival. I let out a contented sigh as I took in the sunlight’s warmth. The weather had been pretty dark and stormy for the past week, and while I loved staying up late watching and listening as the raindrops collided with my bedroom window and then slowly slithered down to the ground, we were all incredibly grateful that the sun had come back in force since yesterday so that the carnival wouldn’t be closed.

“Hey guys!” I called out as I approached the group, a smile tugging at my lips as they returned my greeting with an assortment of ‘hey’s and ‘how are you’s. “No Buffy and Walker yet?” I asked, looking around for them.

“Buffy texted, she said they’re just a couple of blocks away.” Andi responded.

“Ah.” I nodded, before turning to Cyrus with an excited smile. “So, are you ready to ride the Spinner?”

Cyrus visibly paled as a look of worry flashed across his face. “I- I guess.” He stuttered, looking down bashfully.

“Hey, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.” I reminded him in a more gentle tone of voice.

“No, I…” He looked away for a second before continuing. “I want to, but it’s just scary to think about it.”

“It’s normal to be scared of things, Cyrus.” Andi smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, and if things go wrong I brought an extra shoe along just for you.” I joked with a smirk. Andi and Jonah both chuckled in response. Cyrus took in a sharp breath, refusing to meet my eyes as he turned bright red. He went for his cute, puppy dog pout but he couldn’t help breaking into a laugh himself.

After a few seconds of laughter, Cyrus looked up at me with a mischievous glint in his eyes, before turning to Andi and Jonah. “By the way, did I ever tell you guys about TJ’s favourite movie?”

Then it was my turn to blush. My eyes widened as I ran over to place a hand over the shorter boy’s mouth. “No, no, no, shut up Cyrus!” I laughed.

We struggled for a few seconds as Cyrus tried to peel my hand from his mouth as Andi and Jonah laughed. Cyrus eventually succeeded when I felt a warm wetness slithering against my palm. I instinctively pulled my hand away from Cyrus’ mouth to wipe it on my jeans in disgust, and he took the opportunity to immediately start singing loudly, “We’re soaring, flyi-“

I immediately interrupted him by planting my hand back over his mouth, my ears now burning red as Andi and Jonah were both doubled over with laughter. “Cyrus!! You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone!” I complained, while feeling myself break into an embarrassed laugh all the same.

“Aww, so which number is your favourite, TJ?” Andi teased, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Ooh, I know!” Jonah laughed, “It’s gotta be the basketball one, right?”

I bit my bottom lip, shaking my head furiously as I turned my back to them. “I don’t have to take this abuse.” I frowned as Cyrus placed his hand on my arm to turn me back around.

I heard Andi gasp. “Oh my god, you want to be Zac Efron!”

“His name’s Troy, alright?” I grumbled, crossing my arms in defeat.

“Oh hey, there’s Buffy and Walker!” Jonah smiled, waving to them as they approached.

As we all turned to greet them, I took the opportunity to lean over and whisper in Cyrus’ ear. “If you tell Buffy, you’re riding the Spinner alone.” I threatened jokingly.

Cyrus shrugged. “I’m afraid she already knows, my friend.”

I gritted my teeth, hiding my humiliation behind a forced, wide smile. “You’re dead to me.” I deadpanned.

Cyrus pulled me into an endearing side-hug, and suddenly I forgot what we had just been talking about.

//

We had a lot of fun for the first couple of hours. Andi and Buffy appeared to be getting along despite Walker’s presence, Cyrus went on the merry-go-round to prove to Jonah that he could handle it without any shoe-puking this time, and I managed to redeem myself by beating Buffy in a basketball throwing game.

“Aww man, who’s ‘the slayer’ now, Driscoll?” I smirked, crossing my arms smugly across my chest.

“Not you, Troy.” Buffy shot back, rolling her eyes.

I genuinely found myself having a great time, and for the first time since I met them, I allowed myself to believe that I could actually become a regular member of Cyrus’ little circle of friends and get along with all of them. And as the day went on, I kept catching Cyrus stealing nervous glances towards the Spinner, as it towered over the rest of the carnival.

While Cyrus was in a happy mood immediately after I had won him a stuffed dinosaur, I took the opportunity to pull him to one side.

“So do you wanna try the Spinner?” I whispered.

Cyrus let out a heavy sigh, as though he had been dreading this question all day. “Yes and no.” He said with a short laugh.

I wrapped an arm around his shoulders, giving him a little shake. “Come on, I’ll be right next to you and nothing bad is going to happen.” I promised.

“I know, but…” He trailed off, looking up at the Spinner again, listening to the sounds of people on the ride screaming out in either joy or terror. After a few moments of deliberation, he let out a shaky breath and nodded his head. “Okay.” He mumbled.

I smiled widely out of what I could only describe as pride. “Are you sure?”

“No.” He laughed. “But let’s just do it before I change my mind.”

I nodded, and with that, we gathered up the rest of the group and joined the line. After about ten minutes of waiting, the six of us were more or less at the front of the line, with Andi and Jonah just in front of us, followed by Walker and Buffy. The entire time, my arm had remained casually draped across Cyrus’ shoulders. I didn’t dare to move it in any way as though Cyrus would suddenly remember my arm was there and shrug it off. As the ride began to slow down to let people off, I felt Cyrus violently shudder.

He turned to me, his eyes wide with fear. “I can’t do this, I can’t TJ, I’m gonna die, I have to get out of the line!” He rambled, trying to nudge past me to get away.

I put my free hand firmly on his other shoulder, crouching slightly to meet his deer-in-headlights gaze. “Hey, yes you can.” I assured him as he shivered on the spot. “Remember how badly you wanted to clear this off your list? All summer you’ve been talking about it! I’m gonna be right there next to you and I promise that I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“Next!” The ride operator called out, and the line began to move again. Without even thinking twice, I moved my hands from Cyrus’ shoulders and grabbed on to his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze to stop it from shaking.

“Come on.” I whispered.

I saw a whole range of emotions flash across Cyrus’ eyes all at once - fear, sadness, joy and almost excitement as he swallowed the lump in his throat and gave me a small nod in response. As Andi and Jonah began to climb the stairs to take their seats, I began walking forward, Cyrus towing along behind me at a slower pace than usual.

As we walked over to our two-seater, Andi and Jonah both gave us a reassuring thumbs-up, while Buffy gave Cyrus a pat on the shoulder as she and Walker took their own seats in front of Andi and Jonah. Finally, we reached the next empty seats in front of Buffy and Walker and sat down.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Cyrus laughed incredulously. I loosened my grip on his hand as if to let go of him, but he only tightened his own hold and pulled my hand over to hold against his chest. I raised my eyebrows at him, but he simply smiled and said, “I’m gonna need the extra support for this.”

As the ride operator did the rounds to lower our harnesses, Cyrus reluctantly had to let go of my hand. As soon as the operator was finished with us, Cyrus instantly grabbed for my hand again, interlacing our fingers this time. I felt tingles run up my arm at his gentle yet firm touch. My insides felt like they were on fire as my heart began to pound in my chest.

I turned my head to the boy beside me to see beads of sweat already forming on his forehead, his breathing short and quick. I squeezed his hand and leaned over as far as my harness would let me. “Be brave.” I whispered to him.

For a moment, I wasn’t sure if he had even heard me due to the lack of a response, but after a tense second or two he shifted slightly in his seat and steadied his breathing. He looked at me with a grateful smile, but that smile was instantly replaced with an expression of sheer horror as the ride began to lift us into the air.

“Be brave be brave be brave be brave…” I heard Cyrus whispering to himself as I felt his palm sweating against my own. I gave his hand another squeeze out of pride, and this time he squeezed back.

When the ride finally reached the top and began rotating, Cyrus let out the most blood-curdling scream I’d ever heard. He gripped my hand tighter and tighter as the ride moved faster and faster. I looked over at him to see that his eyes had slammed shut and he was completely red in the face. As fun as the ride was, the only thing I could focus on were our intertwined hands. It was just the two of us sharing this moment. His hand fit mine like a glove, his smaller fingers slotting perfectly between my own. Nothing else mattered to me in that moment. Not the screams echoing around me, nor the wind stinging my face, nor the faint, wispy clouds that hung above us. The only thing that mattered to me, my entire world, was clenched in my hand.

Whatever I had felt for Cyrus when we got on that ride, it had reached a whole new magnitude when the ride finally slowed to a crawl and we were lowered down to the ground.

“Can I open my eyes now?” Cyrus squeaked, his voice faint.

“Yes.” I nodded with a chuckle.

The smaller boy took in his surroundings, his hand still in mine although his grip had loosened to the point where he wasn’t leaving nail-shaped indents in my skin anymore. “I… can’t… believe I just did that!” He squealed, bouncing excitedly in his seat.

I beamed proudly at him. “You did it! That’s another thing ticked off the list! You were really brave.”

“Couldn’t have done it without you.” He smiled, his cheeks flushed a light pink.

The rest of our slow descent was spent just looking into each other’s eyes. I didn’t know what it was, but something in his deep, brown eyes was calling out to me. I felt a longing from Cyrus that I had either never noticed or had actively denied before. Something about the way he looked back at me made everything click into place for me.

Cyrus Goodman liked me back.

//

“I can’t believe you actually did it, Cy-guy!” Jonah smiled in disbelief as the six of us walked away from the ride.

“I know, it was insane! And I didn’t even puke this time!” He declared confidently.

Cyrus and I had reluctantly separated our hands once we got off the ride, but we still walked close enough beside one another for our hands to continuously brush against one another, sparks flying through my body with every brief contact.

“You’ve definitely come a long way, Cyrus.” Buffy nodded, briefing smiling in my direction.

“You have.” I agreed, instinctively wrapping an arm around his shoulders again. He subtly leaned into me as we walked with the group.

“So what should we do next?” Walker asked.

Andi’s eyes lit up. “Ooh! I was thinking we should go get some cotton candy and maybe…”

I stopped in my tracks, tuning out Andi’s voice as I looked over at the two boys staring at us from a distance.

Shit.

Cyrus immediately noticed that I had frozen in place. He looked up at me in confusion. “TJ? What’s up?” He followed my gaze until his eyes fell on Reed and Lester, my… ex-friends. He let out a quiet gasp as he realized that they were staring at us, a smug smirk forming on Reed’s stupid face.

I immediately pulled my arm off of Cyrus and took a step away from him, to which he wore a visibly hurt expression.

“TJ, what happened with you guys?” Cyrus asked me. By this point, the rest of our group had turned to see what was going on as well, and all eyes were on me.

Shit.

It dawned on me all at once that I’d never told Cyrus what happened with Reed and Lester. I’d never told him why I suddenly stopped hanging out with them.

Shit.

I couldn’t let Reed do what I was scared he was going to do.

I turned to Cyrus with a sad, apologetic look. “I- I’m sorry, Underdog.” I whispered, before turning tail and walking away from him.

“TJ?” He called after me. I fought every instinct in my body telling me to return to his side. Instead, I just kept on walking towards the exit. “TJ, please!” Cyrus called again, his voice catching at the end.

My heart felt like it had turned to stone. But I kept walking. I wasn’t going to let Cyrus become a victim here. I couldn’t do that to him.

I bit down hard on my bottom lip as I kept on walking, doing my best to hold back the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes.

Sorry, Underdog.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, this chapter turned out to be much longer than I’d expected. I think I just had much more fun with the group chat section at the beginning than I thought I would, so I just kept writing it. I apologise if it was difficult to follow, but I wanted to get across the sense that these conversations are overlapping with each other because that is what tends to happen in my group chats.
> 
> Aaand now I kind of want to write a full-on group chat story. Great.


	8. Broken Clocks

//Cyrus//

“TJ, please!” I called after him, my voice catching at the end. He didn’t respond. He didn’t even acknowledge me.  
I could feel my heart sinking down into my stomach as I watched his retreating figure. I couldn’t piece together in my mind what had just happened, or why TJ felt the urge to just ditch me like that.

“Cyrus, are you okay?” Buffy asked gently, walking up and rubbing my arm in a useless attempt to comfort me.

I turned my gaze back to TJ’s friends, who were now snickering to themselves at the sight of my pained expression. The blond boy who I was pretty sure was called Reed smirked at me as I decided to cautiously approach them. As soon as I moved to walk towards them, Buffy and Andi followed close behind me. No matter what Reed was about to say, it made me feel safer to know that my two best friends always had my back.

“Reed?” I asked hesitantly.

“That’s me.” He nodded, an annoying smile plastered over his face.

“What just happened? Why did TJ leave when he saw you?” I questioned him, gesturing in the direction of TJ, who was now but a speck in the distance.

After an uncomfortable pause, Reed looked me in the eyes. “Cyrus, right?”

I shifted uneasily on the spot. “You know me?”

“Know you?” Reed scoffed. “Dude, TJ never shut up about you. Every damn conversation turned into ‘ooh, Cyrus said this’, or ‘ooh, Cyrus did that’.” He mocked in a ‘girly’ tone of voice.

I flinched slightly at the remark, which didn’t go unnoticed by Buffy, who took a warning step forward. Reed immediately held his hands up defensively. “Whoa, don’t get mad at me, baby!” He chuckled, seemingly taking great pleasure in Buffy’s angered expression, “I was just answering the question.”

“Okay, listen up you creep.” Buffy scowled, taking another step forward, “I don’t know what’s going on between you and TJ, but you leave my friend out of it, you got that?”

Reed wore his signature smirk again, flipping his blond hair out of his face. For a split second, I thought about how cute he was, before cursing internally for even letting that cross my mind right now. “I think TJ’s the one you wanna watch out for, if you catch my drift.” Reed said with a raised eyebrow, before turning tail and leaving with Lester in pursuit.

For a few awkward seconds, we just watched them walk away, before Buffy span around to face us. “Ugh. What a creep!” She spat out in disgust.

“I know.” Andi nodded. “What do you think happened with him and TJ?” She asked, turning to me.

I shrugged in confusion. “I have no idea! I knew TJ stopped hanging around them but he never told me why.”

Andi tilted her head to the side. “Wait, TJ used to hang out with those jerks?”

I nodded, my gaze dropping to the ground.

She let out a frustrated sigh. “You see, this is why I don’t trust him. He’s bad company, Cyrus! He must be if he hangs out with people like that.” Andi reasoned.

“In his defence,” Buffy turned to Andi, “he’s not hanging out with them anymore. Maybe TJ realized that they’re horrible people and ditched them?”

Andi scoffed, eyebrows furrowed. “Why are you taking his side in this? TJ was awful to you for months! He made your life a misery and got you suspended from the team! Why are you being so soft on him after everything he did?”

As soon as I saw Buffy’s expression harden, I braced myself for the worst. “Because I forgave him for that stuff. He was awful to me, and I accepted his apology. That was my decision to make, not yours.” She argued.

“I’m not saying it wasn’t your decision, I’m just saying that maybe you’re trusting him a little too much.” Andi shot back in a sarcastic tone of voice. I grimaced at how ugly this conversation had quickly become. I glanced over to Jonah and Walker in desperation, but both of them were standing awkwardly to one side, clearly not wanting to get involved.

Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “Or maybe I’m just trusting Cyrus’ judgement over my own.”

Andi gaped in shock. “Are you seriously suggesting that I don’t trust Cyrus? He’s my best friend! And you’re really in no position to talk about trusting in your friends, anyway.” She remarked.

I had heard enough. I had to try to do something to diffuse the situation. I stepped forward to get between them. “Guys, please…”

“What is that supposed to mean, exactly?” Buffy gritted her teeth, completely interrupting me mid-sentence.

Andi glanced sideways towards Walker, who rubbed his left arm uncomfortably. “You know exactly what I mean.” Andi said.

I buried my head in my hands with a groan. This wasn’t going to be pretty.

“Wow.” Buffy nodded in disbelief. “I really thought you had gotten over that. You know what, Andi, you need to realize that not everything is about you. I’m not dating Walker specifically to upset you! You were with Jonah at the time and I thought you had moved on!”

“You knew that I still had a thing for him.” Andi accused her, taking a step forward. Buffy stood her ground. “And you went behind my back and started dating him without even telling me!”

“Andi, I tried to tell y-“

“And to make it worse, you guys started leaving me out and hanging out without me!” Andi shouted over her.

Buffy stomped forward, and I could have sworn I could see steam coming out of her ears. “We didn’t leave you out of anything! We invited you along all the time and you chose not to come! So you don’t get to come crying to us now about how we’re ‘leaving you out’ when you’re not even trying to be mature about this!”

“You all posted all over your social medias about how much fun you were having without me!”

“Well you didn’t show up, what did you expect us to do? Spend the entire day being miserable?”

Walker shook his head worriedly, finally stepping forward. “Guys, please, don’t fight over this. I don’t want anything to be awkward here; can’t we just talk this out and stay calm?”

Andi glared at him. “No, we can’t.”

“Yeah, because someone can’t handle it when the world doesn’t revolve around her!” Buffy yelled angrily.

“Stop!” I cried desperately, my eyes now warm with tears that were threatening to fall down my reddened face. “Please, just stop!”

Jonah, having been frozen awkwardly in place this entire time, moved to my side and wrapped an arm around my shoulders in an attempt to comfort me. I tensed involuntarily at the unfamiliar touch, before allowing myself to breathe again. Andi and Buffy both turned to look at me in concern for a second, before scowling at each other again. “Now look what you’ve done!” Andi gestured towards me.

“What I’ve done?!” Buffy laughed incredulously. “How about what you’ve done? You’re the one who’s not even trusting Cyrus in the first place!”

“Well excuse me for having my doubts after my other supposed ‘best friend’ stabbed me in the back!”

“Even if I did stab you in the back, which I didn’t, that doesn’t mean that you have to ruin our day out by upsetting everyone else!”

Andi shook her head and looked away. “You know what, I knew that you guys didn’t really want me around.”  


I looked up at her in shock. “What?” I asked.

“Andi!” Jonah gasped.

“I’m gonna go.” Andi said, turning around and stomping towards the exit in the same direction TJ had departed in not five minutes ago. I couldn’t believe this was happening. This had been the perfect day out with all of my friends and suddenly TJ had ditched me with no explanation and Andi and Buffy’s friendship had crumbled all over again. I felt my breathing quicken, my palms sweating and shaking, but I fought to suppress my panic. I knew I couldn’t leave things like this; I had to do something.

“Andi, please!” I called after her, stepping towards her. She hesitated for a moment, but without turning back, she quickly scurried away. I felt my heart drop into my stomach at her complete disregard of my feelings.

“This was a stupid idea.” Buffy shook her head. I turned back to look at her sadly. She ducked her head and turned to Walker. “Let’s just leave.” I heard her mumble, grabbing her boyfriend’s hand tightly. Walker gave a sad nod, giving us an apologetic half-wave before walking off with Buffy in the opposite direction to Andi.

My shoulders visibly dropped, a couple of loose tears now gently gliding down my face. I wanted to call out to Buffy but I just felt completely and utterly drained, like someone had sapped all the energy from my body. Jonah slowly turned to me with a sorrowful expression.

“Cyrus… are you okay?” He asked awkwardly, clearly not knowing how to handle the situation. I looked into his sad green eyes as I felt my own watering all over again, my vision blurring. I let out a small sob, and that was all that was needed before I felt him pull me into a tight hug.

I couldn’t even allow myself to focus on the feeling of Jonah’s embrace; the same embrace that was once able to send my heart into overdrive. I couldn’t focus on the boy’s familiar scent or the touch of his hands; the warmth of the sun on my back or the joyful screams from the carnival. All I could focus on were the hot tears streaming down my face, wetting Jonah’s shoulder as my sobbing grew more and more violent.

//

“Jonah, I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but maybe I should just head home.” I sighed. After I had spent a good five minutes crying into Jonah’s shoulder, I admittedly felt better, but all I wanted to do was hide away in my room and scrawl my feelings into my journal until I couldn’t feel them anymore. Jonah had insisted that we would enjoy the rest of our day together, and being the passive but loving friend I am, I couldn’t bring myself to turn him down.

“Come on, Cy-guy, we can still have a good time! It’s been so long since we last hung out.” Jonah smiled, giving me a playful punch in the shoulder. I did my best to suppress the wince of pain that I let out subconsciously.

“What about the canoes literally two weeks ago?” I reminded him with a small laugh.

Jonah looked off in thought for a second, before his eyes lit up. “Oh yeah!” He suddenly remembered.

I chuckled at his mistake, crossing my arms across my chest awkwardly. “So… what did you have in mind?” I inquired.

Jonah beamed at me. “That’s the spirit! We were all about to get some cotton candy, you feelin’ it?” He asked, gesturing towards the cotton candy stall several feet away from us.

I tilted my head to one side and shrugged. “I guess I can never say no to sugary snacks.”

Jonah let out a happy laugh. “Believe me buddy, I know.”

//

After we both devoured our cotton candy that Jonah had paid for, he pulled me excitedly over to the line for the bumper cars.

“The bumper cars are always my favorite!” He exclaimed excitedly as we joined the line.

“Sure.” I nodded. “Great practice for when we get our learner’s permits, I guess!” I joked with a smirk.

“Exactly!” Jonah smiled back completely unironically. The expression of despair on my face clearly went entirely over his head.

//

After a particularly fierce bumper car battle, the sunlight had grown significantly fiercer in kind and so after some protesting on my part, we wandered away from the carnival to sit down by a tree, basking in the cool sensation of the large shadow it cast.

After a few moments of relaxing silence, Jonah turned to me with a thin smile. “Do you, uhh… do you wanna talk about it?”

I immediately nodded. “Yes. I mean, no,” I laughed, “but if I don’t talk to someone, I think I might just explode.”

Jonah snorted, leaning back against the tree. “What’s going on? I know about this whole Walker thing with the girls, but what’s up with you?” He asked.

I let out a deep sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. “A lot, basically.”

“Is it something to do with TJ?” Jonah asked more gently this time.

Tell him. Don’t tell him. Tell him. Don’t tell him.

The options were whirling around my head at mach speed. I felt close enough with Jonah to trust him with my secret, especially after he was there for me today, but something about the thought of telling another guy made me even more nervous than usual. I had always been more naturally inclined to hang out with girls as I was growing up. I had always chalked it up to me primarily living with my mother after my father moved out, but more and more recently I wondered if my sexuality had played a big subconscious role in that throughout my childhood.

The idea of telling another guy terrified me just because of the inherent implication that I might have a crush on them, which could easily weird them out and ruin everything. Especially for a guy like Jonah who I genuinely did have a crush on at one point. In fact, Jonah was basically my gay awakening, so he would probably be the last guy I’d want to come out to for fear of ruining things.

And yet, as we sat there together, with Jonah’s adorable smile pointed at me, I could feel the words crawling up my throat, trying to escape my lips.

“Yes.” I nodded. I took a deep breath, confirming to myself that I was really about to do this. I gripped my hands together to stop them from shaking as I turned to meet Jonah’s gaze, which showed a brief flash of concern. “Jonah, I- I’m… I have… uhh…”

Jonah’s eyebrows knotted together. “Are you okay?”

I immediately let out a short laugh. “No.” I shook my head. “Not at all. This is… this is just really hard to say out loud.”

Jonah’s signature smile had now dissolved into a frown. He scooted closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Hey, you can tell me anything, man.”

I nodded, feeling a small smile tugging at my lips. “I know. It’s just…” I took one last deep breath, looking away from Jonah before ripping off the metaphorical band-aid. “I’m… gay.”

That was it. I had never said the word out loud before, never put a label on it, but deep down I knew what it was. On some level I had always known, but that was the first time I had truly acknowledged it. The first time it became my reality. My stomach churned as the weight of what I had just done hit me all at once.

I couldn’t find the courage to turn back to Jonah, to see the expression on his face. I looked down at the ground, counting the blades of grass beneath me as my urge to throw up grew stronger and stronger with each second of tension that passed.

Finally, I heard Jonah’s voice, gentle and calm, yet it rang in my ears like thunder on a rainy night. “That’s totally cool, Cy-guy!”

My heart felt like it had grown wings and was trying to fly away. I let out a breath that I didn’t know I had been holding in, finally turning to face the taller boy who now wore a wide smile on his face. “Really?”

“Yeah, totally! You do you man, love is love or something, right?” He laughed, shaking me by the shoulder. “Seriously though, I’m proud of you, buddy.”

I beamed at him, before pulling him in for a hug. Somehow this had gone even better than I had ever dreamed it could have.

“You know, Cyrus,” He whispered to me as we embraced, “That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen you do.”

Shocked at his sudden wisdom, I responded by simply hugging him tighter, allowing my head to fall onto his shoulder. Never in a million years had I expected Jonah Beck to come up with something so profound and meaningful.

I guess it’s true what they say about broken clocks.

//

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! It is currently… 1 o’clock in the morning, and this chapter is FINALLY complete! I really wanted some meaningful platonic Jyrus somewhere in this story, and this seemed like the perfect place in the story to slot it in.
> 
> I have the funeral for my lost family member tomorrow, followed by a weekend of drinking with college friends, so the next chapter will probably not be up until Tuesday at the earliest.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


End file.
